This is going to ramble, so be patient with my writing. I would also like to openly mention that this is not an excuse, but an open apology with some explanation to my actions and behavior.
Over a year ago I started placing dynamite to pillars in my life and in mid-September of last year I blew the final charges. I was unsure at the time why I as was hell-bent on destroying all around me and severing ties, but I am starting to have a better understanding.
I had fallen under the notion that I needed to eliminate the majority of my relationships, specifically those that formed from within the church. I was convinced that those relationships were the source of much of the strife in my life and were causing me too much pain and confusion. My logic was sound and followed the same advice my surgeon had given me a few months earlier, “The mass is not normal and will only shorten your life span. Therefore, you should remove it and give your body a chance to be healthy.â€Â So, methodically I started to pull away from those I once had trusted, even those few considered to be confidants. It was difficult to cut ties with some, but other it was too easy. What I was really struggling with my ability to trust anyone. And much of my anger was directly related to people that I expected to act like Jesus, but I somehow forgot that they were as broken as I am.
Since many of my targets were in the church it soon became the target, as well. I became frustrated and critical of the church. At first my criticism was shared with the couple of people I still trusted, but eventually turned to anyone that would listen. In time my “critiques†became malicious and I started to believe that it was justified. I wanted to continue with the church as an important anchor in my spiritual growth and community, but it was becoming too painful because of my self-serving anger. As I tried to continue on in the church the wedge continued to go deeper.
During this time I found myself desiring to be closer to God. Not in the same manner that I pursued him in the past. Previously, I had sought to understand and dissect God, His church, His people, relevancy, etc. I had poured over all the latest emergent writings, the latest pop culture church leaders’ blogs and some classic writings in search of clarity and wisdom. The fact was I wasn’t really seeking God, but falling into the trap of discovery for discovery’s sake and not for a means to truly change my heart and my life. And what I learned in this storm was all my newfound knowledge did little to assist me in this moment. The clutter of writings, videos, and podcasts only left me unsettled. In frustration I gave up and continued attending church (I had moved my family to a new church where we didn’t know anyone).
One day during a service I went to pray and it was heavy on my heart to pray, but I couldn’t bring a single thing to my tongue or my mind to say. It was frustrating at first, but I continued in silence. When the words of Psalms 23:1 – 3 came into memory; The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. I would love to say it was like a bolt of lighting and it all became clear, but it wasn’t. It took some time, but I finally got a clue. My soul was seeking silence not more education. I needed to be still and just know that He is God. This one thing started to change my heart. It made me give up and stop looking for how to fix people around me, the church, and myself; I was learning to just be.
I have started to learn how to truly forgive loved ones, people that had hurt me, and myself. I constantly remind myself that my relationships and the church are made up of the one thing that will always fail us and are so short from perfect, people. I have also learned to accept the fact that my relationships would always be flawed and I am bound to get hurt, as well as hurt others, as I am sure I have.
If you are reading this and where one of the individuals I hurt, I am truly sorry.