Since October of 2006 I have believed that I would be soon tested to step out in faith, to just jump from my boat of security. I immediately accessed my need to have faith and trust the call and found comfort in the story of Peter walking on the water (Matthew 14:28 -33). I knew the time would come that I would have to make the decision one day to jump from the boat and rely on my Lord. I wondered would I have the trust in the call enough to believe that I would not sink, could I fully commit to my convictions.

Well, a few months later that moment came and here I stand in indecision; wrestling with a decision for a few weeks now. I usually have my anxieties over the decision well under control, but there are those days where it is the one thing that keeps me from being productive. I am certain the decision to step out and follow this call is the right call, but the realities of this life keep me grounded and incapable of making the move. I found myself saying, yes, but only if all these bases are covered. I hear the call, the doors are open, and I thought I was willing, but only if it is fits the plan I resolved to follow.  I thought for a long time that if God wanted me to fulfill this opportunity he would make it painless or at least more comfortable.  I wrestled with why God would open the doors but not complete my checklist.  Em (my wife) started to ask me if I truly believed in the call and challenged my not moving forward, well this is when things started getting tough.  I rationalized why this was out of my hands and all in God’s timing not mine.  When I had just about rationalized everything in my heart and brought myself to a peaceful place once more, when I was slapped across the face with a story from Luke (9:57-62) about discipleship.

There black, red, and white print was the story that paralleled what I was dealing with and my behavior. In the story a man called to the Lord saying, I will follow you. Jesus places a barrier by letting the first would-be disciple that He has no place to lay his head. Jesus then calls another, that disciple responds that he must bury his father. Jesus responds to him by saying, “Let the dead bury the dead”, clearly identifying that His call is above any other obligations. The third would-be disciple asked to follow Jesus, but asked to return to say farewell to his family before he follows, essentially setting his terms with his discipleship.  Jesus responds, “No one, after putting his hands to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” Clearly Jesus establishes that a life of discipleship is not a life of compromise and dictates from the disciple, but is to be directed by God.  (I think this would make a great teaching.)

This story has placed me in a conundrum, who will I be like in this story? I am so torn between fully accepting the call without question, but unsure about my current obligations. I ask myself daily, “If you truly believe in the call, then why are you jumping out of the boat?” I could have continued to right about this all evening, but I guess I need to close. I close with a request; please pray that my decision become clear and my heart and mind become obedient.